the zhaf speaks

Saturday, May 31, 2003:

listenin to lady by modjo now
they'd better play it at embassy on 14june or i'll tear e place down
i'd like em to plae blue, prob is not mani others will :P
well like of cos RnB is gd, but i mean a gd mix shud include sum techno, house n genuine dance yea?
if u want pure RnB go cheekymonkies at mohd sultan



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:54 am

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quite alot has happened. hmm stuff like rj losin rugby to ac 13-11 yest. how we've found our team jersey (nice nice black converse jersey). a short spot of pool wif bballers after trainin todae. sittin down at macs to ponder e team n our chances. and esp e bball finals on thursdae, hc vs sa.
on thursdae i saw the underdog win. saw giants dethroned. gd job hc for beatin sa. despite astonishing free throw shooting from sa (better than average nba team standard), they still lost to hwachong's very very agressive, fast break and in the paint bball. hc had inidividual brilliance too, their pointguard/smallforward made key steals numerous times, scorin on e fastbreak every single time save once, even getting foul-ins. atmosphere at toapayoh sports hall tt dae wuz damn psyched up. it's a pity only me jack rayner n xudong were there.
watchin them play i cudn help by wonder, 'are we gd enuff to be playin here nxt yr?' and after awhile i decided emphatically, yes. admittedly we're a very raw team. there's alot alot to be done. but i believe e potential is there. we train now wif e aim of bein champions nxt yr. it's a pity even among us not everyone shares the same sentiments. but this is just the beginning, i hope those of us with the fire can ignite the rest. blood, sweat and tears will take us there. a few dollops of faith would help loads too. plenty of time before season nxt yr. we're gonna train hard, we're gonna make mistakes now, but we'll learn, we'll learn fast. as i believe, do your best, let God do the rest.
btw i'm bball treasurer haha. wat a fix everyone owes me lots of money now, help!!!



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 4:58 am

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Wednesday, May 28, 2003:

not bad gp common test wuzn killer. abit of cockup but yea i think it's b for me.
bball... what can i say... hmm... now i think we're startin to show our potential. fullcourt game on tues wuz gd, made my field goals, zhikai made his layups, tho dribbling n passing especially were messy.
todae... shud haf made more of my close quarter shots, i'm not reeli sinkin my shots off the board altho shootin in general is improvin. hmm a few set plays todae, thanks lots to joshua n jervis for coachin us haha... needless to sae we got off to a reeli slow start, set plays reeli need to be done 10388217349814 times bfore it comes easy.
bummer, dad nearly locked me out of e hse todae. i mean i had bball trainin. trainin takes a long time. ah well.
hmm dis is bad i'm broke, reeli broke. like i haf less than 5 bux for e rest of e week. darned embassy tix. hope my bro comes back quickly so he can pay me...
btw tests in e rj hall r quite shat. it's hot, humid n u start to sweat after awhile, since e rj uniform is as thick as the vp's skull.
haha we're gonna ask mrnah to open up positions in e committee for treasurer and quartermaster. a 5 member bball exco. cool huh... lolz



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:02 am

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Tuesday, May 27, 2003:

gp common test tmr. major inconvenience cos trainin will start very late, and i haf to get home pretty earli or risk a verbal lashing from dad. hope i get b3 at least ^_^
hmm goin to lectures is quite sucky. lt1 isnt a comfortable place to sleep. i reeli shud go back to ponnin, cept tt fear of attendance takin keeps me from doin so. but when ure on e brink wif... i think 4 white slips... like yea sheesh man.
hmm shootin is gettin slightly better. shud do more pushups to build up shootin endurance tho. dun reeli noe how fit i am at e moment, caltex is nxt week, yea 400hurdles... muz make sure i run at least 1 full race before nxt saturdae.
yes i'm still very very hungry dese days. should pack food to sch... lolz havent done tt since pri sch.



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 6:53 am

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Sunday, May 25, 2003:

hmm been very very hungry these days. like spendin close to 10 bux on food a day. even when eatin juz canteen food.
pool wif rencong jack n peiyi yest nite wuz... so-so yea. haha but e highlight of e night wuz waiting for 502 to come wif rencong, when e last bus left like 30+ min ago. walking far east to take 105. den bumpin in rencong's fren. she wuz supp to take 105 too. e bus came jack n i boarded, jack sed bye to her. sumhow she wuz oblivious to e fact tt e bus came, too engaged in tokin to her gal frens lolz... when we boarded e bus n it wuz drivin off we saw her jumpin up n down in e distance hahaha. rencong called her up n confirmed tt yes, she missed e bus. damn damn farny. me n rencong laffed real hard, got abdominal cramps even lolz



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:58 am

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Friday, May 23, 2003:

sleep isnt coming to me.
dun think my mind is troubled... not reeli aniwae
mebbe its e music, songs wif nostalgic value shudn be played when u wanna sleep
e onslaught of memories, feelins and emotions. e intensity juz fuels u.
the pain the joy all mixed together. u cant differentiate one from e other animore.
i've been uncertain abt my own feelins for so long.
i've been hurtin for so long.
i've stood still for so long.
i wanna move on, and then some.
i wish things could be e way they were.
at e same time i'm glad i din let myself sink into despondency.
i dun reeli feel much for her. not now aniwae. but i used to. i oso noe tt my feelins can resurface very easily.
i'm in limbo. i'm in stasis. i try to move forward but the past is holdin me back.
i shouldn't go on like this. i can, but i shouldn't. e lack of finality, e inconclusiveness, e tentativity. my mind duzn wonder to these issues often. but it happens nights like dese. i'm not empty. but i wish i cud get close to someone again. n e times wif her were euphoric. well it hurt too. alot. but we're supposed to suffer in love right?
it'll be 5 months past soon
i haf no damn idea y i dwell on this so damn long
i approach this all wif a certain degree of nonchalance. but still, that slight, niggling feelin. wat is it? i dunno. e end to this chapter of my life must come soon. i will move on. i must. with or without her. either option is tantalizing. 5 months of deliberation yielding no concrete decision as yet.
but i alwaes make it. i mean it, alwaes. i'll find my way.



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:11 am

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it's been awhile.
can't believe tt i've been thrust into e maelstorm so quickly.
but here i am, the trials have begun.
apart from tt i'm in abit of trouble so i'll watch my step, i'm not keen to be blacklisted for e rest of rj life.
but yea, i mean lectures r sickenin. alot of sch is.
tt gp passage abt how education is e cause of creeping cretinization in our society... so poignant... so true
f sch

but seriously my lot in life is alot better than described. i think. i may be strugglin now but it's ok, it'll be over soon and i'll be home free. i can't wait to go back to my old ways. pool, bball, clubbin, generally paintin e town red ^_^
how i wish sum tchrs wud stop bein tightassed. if my parents r ok wif e issue den stop buggin me abt it. yea scram u shats.

hmm aching all over, and tt 5cm diameter cut on my upper thigh hurts loads. need a miracle skin sealant dammit.

bball trainin later. den i'll be playin violin at sum student recital organised by my violin tchr, better sleep now



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:00 am

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Thursday, May 15, 2003:

haha i've bent my specs into shape
somewhat aniwae
liu hao threw e ball rite into my face at trainin last week lolz
ah shat i tink i'll be doin chem and bio tests todae
help
quite groggy n disoriented
hmm shud i watch matrix reloaded midnite movie 23 hrs from now, will be pretty shacked...
try fruit tree apple and aloe vera juice drink
darned nice. e aloe pulp is quite fun to chew on.
well lots goin on now
maelstorm of emotions comes close to overwhelming at times
but it's fine i tink
nothin abit of sleep cant handle
yea bball later on will help too
hope sch later on will be fuss free



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:23 am

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happy bdae yunlei n khairul :)
so fun man my parents haf come to my defence n i'm basically untouchable by e sch admin now
wah how sucky man ms wong is no longer my ct
she's reeli e nicest ct anione cud haf lor
bahz
seriously my class has been damn suay
ppl kicked out la
den now ct oso changed
but yea we're together, we're still 1so3d :)



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:41 am

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Tuesday, May 13, 2003:

first blood has been drawn.
the battle has begun.
no turning back, i take my first steps down a long and arduous road.



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:21 am

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Sunday, May 11, 2003:

temperature bouncin up n down, but e funny thing is i dun feel sick at all, even when my temp wuz at 37.5, so yea shan't care too much abt it, juz drink more water.
guys' bball n gals' (i mean wat else...) netball got kicked out. sad. esp bball, we deserved to win sat's match. we played a v good game but were suay enuff to get a biased referee. call this an excuse, but in this instance it's a valid one. we only lost by 1 shot, n e ref denied joshua's shot in e last 3 seconds, e moment it went thru e net he called travellin n din count e shot. wth. aniwae to e j2s i'm sorry ure season is over, u've all done ure best, i applaud all of u. j1 ballers, the time is now, psyche up for nxt yr, in fact there's youth cup end of june or start of july. despite wat everyone says, i think we haf enuff talented ppl. we haf plenty of time to prepare so lets train wif one goal in mind, the best tt we can be. i believe we're medal material.
chem test tmr, bonding n structure, there reeli isn't much to be remembered, it's all abt how u apply e info, n tt can make it kinda hard.
hehe mum's dae todae. got mummy card + dis exp perfume set :) had family lunch at pizza hut too, nice, cud haf been nicer if e service wuz abit more prompt.
hmm aniwae got to plae pool for free todae. so thankful my bro loves nineball so it left most of e striped balls unused. while he played wif his frens i juz practised sum pottin alone on another table.
matrix reloaded out nxt wk. can't wait man. but yea if neo is indestructible digitally den like wat's e pt rite haha.
reminder to self: 80+% for free throws, 40+% for field goals, 100% layup conversion



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:44 am

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Thursday, May 08, 2003:

oh my ff10 is addictive. but help i can't plae e blitzball subgame for nuts...
feelin abit off... my head duzn feel steady n my stomach feels... effed...
aniwae i'm happy gn's combi change got thru... do pump up ure phys yea?
hmm i still haf to get a new ezlink card... dam
aniwae yea screw tmr's late afternoon lessons... i'm goin for my dental ^_^
but mahfan muz return to sch for dance nite
mahfan when u pay all ure bus fares using coins... drats
it's weird how some ppl come to me for advice, n my advice duz haf sum positive influence in their lives.
if only i cud come to myself for advice yea?
times like dis wish my older bro wuz ard more... stupid ns...
i havent called up anione for a chat... anione at all... in weeks
guess i need sum rest
sleepin at 1-2am+++ all e time is horrendously detrimental to the human condition
time for sum shuteye... *yawn



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:38 am

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Tuesday, May 06, 2003:

woohoo white slip no.2. i'm gonna be up to my nose in shit from e vp. well heck care la, if my parents r ok wif it den it's alright. i mean like daddy wuz quite slck once he got into jc, he'll understand me, i think.
n yes ms.wong go ahead send me home for ri uniform, i dun care, neither do mummy n daddy.
hmm wonder wat i shud get mummy for mothers' dae...

more intervals, 29 or so for 200 wif hurdles is reeli off. i need to go close to 28 flat at least, n 62 for full 400h

bball youth cup in july yay. finally will get to plae plae plae :)



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:39 am

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Monday, May 05, 2003:

haha tamade she actually wore quite guailan specs todae... eh actually todae saw alot of gals wearin funny coloured plastic specs... *puke...
tamade goose lor... kena by bio tchr for ponnin lect...
soccer rj draws 1-1 wif sa... pity reeli... dis time i tink we deserved a win. we reeli played our hearts out...
dam... dam sleepy la... drank too much water so dam it la... bloated
aniwae ian ang yu zheng is a nice nice guy, owaes thot he wuz dao or sumthin but yea he's reeli a nice nice guy to tok to
yes ashraf i'm sure she sed tt abt me... slap ure balls la... lolz
i'm not doin even a third as much work as i shud
wake up zhafri... but eh it's way past midnite liao
so fuggin sleepy
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:45 am

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Sunday, May 04, 2003:

midi files sound tenfold better wif wingroove... if u ever thought sum song from a game wuz nice n downloaded e midi to find it sounded like SHIT (most of e time it does...) den get wingroove... can hear e distinct sounds of all e instruments. q-space midi sounds sublime on wingroove. really.



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:50 am

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life is cyclical isnt it. wearisome :P. okae wkend... og outin on sat... kenneth n des tagged along... sorry des if u were feelin abit xtra... juz tok... open ure mouth abit more...
hongyi dam off la wear vjc tshirt... wear sumthin nicer nxt time... :P
haha clara watched xmen2 AGAIN wif everyone... i din wanna waste 8.50 so went home wif kenneth koh fang yong
yes fangyong stop assumin so much abt me it's never ever wat u tink it is.

oh yes man u juz won e title, cos leeds smacked arsenal 3-2. gdjob leeds, and yes gdjob man u :)
haha mel will haf to run can't remember how mani rounds round e track now...

hmm my older bro juz lost 30bux todae (oops yest i mean)... and i lost my ezlink card a few daes back... congrats to bof of us
thinned my hair again... very very sparingly at e fringe... mostly e sides, top n back... i'll prob visit reds or supercuts in 3-4 wks or so to get a better touchup

quite psyched up... listenin to music fullblast on my dad's several-thousand-dollar speakers... lots of older stuff todae... stuff like sadame... harken back to e daes of frantic last minute o-lvl muggin... everythin studied e night bfore... only ting keepin me goin was e music reeli... no music = no life, seriously. haha remember wakin up damn late for bio mcq... den rushed to peicai sec sch to do my bio mcq...

i like goin off e beaten track. we all take different roads to our final destination, n i tink mine's abit more undulatin, but it's alot more exciting. i'll do my thing rushed, last minute... but it works for me n tt's all tt matters... i refuse to compromise on time for pool, goin out, bball, sleep, com games, fone calls, bumming... academia will inevitably be at e tail-end... but yea cum promos or a's den pia abit la

searchin for a nice midi file tt's been playin again n again in my head. last time i heard it in real life was like 3 yrs back... has a spacey n meditative feel to it
YES I FUCKIN FOUND IT... quasi-space from star control 2... which is a game from eons back... 7-8 yrs i think.
wow found nice page wif nice midis... it's like a chronology of game music i've heard thru e yrs

haha juz started playin ff10 on my bro's new ps2... okae i'm slow i noe. but yea e graphics r stunnin. but seriously i've never needed stunnin graphics to enjoy a com game... i mean ff5 is pretty gd... hmm quest for glory series was pretty gd... ALOT of handpainted frames... fuckin gorgeous... qg5 was polygonised n brought a whole new ooohhh to battles

haha will be stone at sch tmr... wats new eh... look at e hmwk tt's piled up
chem prac sheet, econs essay, gp article review, bio prac sheet from long long ago, bio tutorial, math tutorial, econs mcq
fuck sch... smack it man... econs test comin up soon oso... nvm scru shall plae more ff10 instead... dam fun...

yes u ppl who owe me all my anime... gimme back... i wanna watch great tchr onizuka n shaman king

party @ zouk 24may do come down dudes... got ID check tho so yea... i can lend u haha... ;)




-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:36 am

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Friday, May 02, 2003:

hmm... hmm... irritated. like e timetable is quite effed... esp for fridae. do wad i do man, go for fridae prayers den come back to sch for lessons... pissed off liao... last time finish at 1230... now come back for lessons till 350... kns
so basically i haf a plan for fridae post 1oclock liberation
typically 4 fridaes a month, 1 fridae i'll zhao early cos of dental, 1 cos of stomachache, 1 pon sch altogether, n den n den for e last fridae... ah eff it... eff sch... aiya heck la pon den pon la kena screw den screw la... like e timetable is so blardy murtabak. scru rj admin deeks

eh pool wif rencong last nite wuz a wake up call. even if i won, it wuzn by a large margin, wake up zhafri, esp if u wanna chiong sua e national squad

how to make sure u score 20+ avg in bball games
i) make ure free throws (60%+ pls)
ii) hit 2 longer shots per quarter
iii) muz convert layups (quite scrued la smtimes when u kena pressure)
therefore i muz drill my freethrows to nail 70+% in practice
hmm muz train to sweetspot from e wings... usually dun come under pressure there... n yea from behind e arc too
n layups... aiya weird la i'm right handed but lay up better wif my left hand... n i use it when i approach e basket from e left... AND from e rite... therefore muz improve left hand dribblin to free up right hand for layups...

soccer todae... rj plae dam dam hum lor... quite constipated n they had like less than 5 shots on goal i tink... wtf... vj played alot better but yea 0-0 draw is gd... okae start considerin vj r defendin champs... rj's weakness is midfield... almost non-existent... din watch mj sa match after tt tho... bballin at e sajc court... as usual e softballers put up a gd gd game... alex plays like e ideal centre... n yiying will hit e pressure shots... pressure meanin his ego at stake la... most of my shots are from far far outside... shud be doin abit more drivin... but not 18 yet leh dun haf drivin license (yes do refrain from smashin ure com screen)

well bumped into hongyi at e match... thinned his hair n now it's twisted n spiked... haha i intro-ed him to gatsby matt wax... has been usin it since 2 months ago... quite rox... considerin he's in vj his style is prob more radical n funky? haha like yes good game vj neeerrrdddsss... aniwae yea happy tt hongyi's gonna chiong for vj airrifle capt... but yea stop daoin ure crispy la hongyi... u'll prob regret it later on

haha mass blue slip la my classmates... sya, ili, pat n norain ponned sch altogether... n all watch soccer... chao geng sia...

oh xmen 2 is... ok... too mani liberties taken wif e storyline tho... aniwae yes cyclops rox... i mean like he has e most raw power of all. prof xavier can only kill everyone if he uses cerebro... cyclops juz takes off his ruby visors or specs n yes... haf fun world...

rj vs sa for bball tmr... i'm not in team but yea... i reeli hope rj holds their ground... sa r defendin champs... eff man... darren must hit his 3s n everyone else must convert darren's shen passes... jiun-haur muz relak n hit his field goals... in trainin like almost flawless but dam major drop cum competition... n yes capt gab ho... flair abit for us all yea!

weekend is here... time to sleep... sleep... ball wif e neighbourhood bengs... n yea og outin... shack ah lets pon sch on mondae...



-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:42 am

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is there any way that i can stay, in your arms?

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zhaf ex-RJ2SO3D
bball, the journey within, reasons,
sleep, sleep, sleep, cigarettes, pool, movies,
contradictory romantic and pragmatist?
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Archives


visitors:




- - - - -


shadow striker perpetually in disguise,


sinister coward don't you realise,


that backstabber, you are nothing,


for i find you so lacking,


pity that's all you'll ever be,


someone who can't face up to me.


- - - - -



can't touch me, not now, not ever.


don't try stoppin me, it's a futile endeavour.


- - - - -


Hope is the faint glimmer in the dark, that which illumes the despondent depths of despair.


Hope is the rope that tethers me to the prospect of brighter tomorrows, keeping me from an awry descent into a place where all that is important to me is long gone and irretrievable.


Hope floats, buoyed by the kind words of loved ones, those we used to love, those who stopped loving us, and even those we love without ever realizing it.


Hope is my face turned to the high heavens, arms outstretched, in prayer. It is the leap of faith where I let go. Where I do what I can and must do, and acquiesce, "God, I trust in you. Do what You will with me. I am in Your fold now."


Life at times - Scary, mortifying, terrifying. Something I'm not always prepared for. But I will stand my ground.


For the pain of letting go of my dreams, of wondering "what if?" would be far more excruciating than the long and arduous road that ends in a glorious reality where dreams are manifested through my blood, sweat and toil.


And yes, I do need help. So help me God.


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